Hitler was worried about the Pope being "bad to talk to" with the Nazis. He sent Ribbentrop to Rome, but the Foreign Minister and a wine agent returned three days later with no results. Then he sent Goebbels, but even he came back unsuccessful. Upon that, he called Goering, instructing him clearly:
"Hermann, you must solve this the Nazi way once and for all!"
Goering flew to Rome and within hours a wire came:
"Vatican in flames - Pope shot trying to escape - tiara fits me greatly. Hermann I."


A granny came to the newsagent's and asked for the Das Reich magazine.
"There's no Das Reich any more," says the agent.
She went away a bit, returned in a while and asked again: "Das Reich, please."
He didn't recognize her and repeated calmly: "There is no Das Reich anymore."
She left, but minutes later she's back and asking for the same. The agent recognized her this time and spitted angrily: "I told you twice. There is no Das Reich any more. What is it with you?" "I could just listen to this all the time..."

One Mr. Novak was going to visit Berlin. Many rumours were going through Prague, so his friend asked him to send a postcard saying how it really is with the Reich's capital. What's the mood, what about the raids, food etc., etc.
"If you write a message in black ink, it will be true, if you use red ink, it will be the exact contrary!" It was agreed and Mr. Novak left.
In a week his friend received a postcard: "The spirits are high, there's full confidence in victory, the city is untouched by raids, I'm just great, there are lots of everything, but I just can't get any red ink!"

What's the difference between Rommel and a clock?
A clock goes forward, doing a "tick-tack" sound. Rommel goes backward, shouting "Taktik!"
A customer entered a cellar workshop of an honest little Czech cobbler. A completely unknown customer, too. When they discussed the order, he said casually:
"Well, sir, and what's your opinion about the situation?"
"I don't care about the situation," grumbled the cobbler.
"Yeah, right, but I meant what you think of the war's length?"
"I told you already that I don't care about such things. I have my work here - and that's it," he said again reluctantly.
"Yes - but..."
At that moment the cobbler got so angry that he didn't let the customer finish his sentence:
"Whatever - what's the point of talking with you anyway? Look, I have my work here, the shoes, the hammer, I listen to the radio - well, and if some day I can hear the Germans telling us Czechs to remain calm, I'll take the hammer - and well, I'll go..."

The Germans had these collection campaigns all the time. They collected scrap paper, scrap metal, blankets, gloves, old cloths, they collected money every "Opfersonntag" - they took skis, bells, car batteries, rail car cranks, shortly, they stole whatever they could.
"Man, have you heard? On Sunday they'll start collecting all chairs!"
"Why?"
"Germans have been standing too long at Stalingrad!"

K.H. Frank, the Minister of State to the Protectorate of Bohemia and Moravia, complained to one of his faithful colleagues that there is no street, square or anything named after him. "Heydrich has an Embankment, Hitler has a Platz, Goering-Strasse everywhere, Konrad-Henlein-Platz and I am still without anything with my name on it."
"Just wait till after the war ends," his comrade told him,"The whole Ruhr area will be called Frankreich after you."

Hannibal, Alexander the Great and Napoleon were looking down from heaven on this war. They watched it, cheered and suddenly, Hannibal sighed: "Oh my, how easy it is to fight a war today! If I only had these thanks instead of elephants, I'd beat the Romans for sure!" Alexander just waved his hand: "You can say that again! Where would I be if I had the air forces of today!" Napoleon just smiled: "Guys, guys - aren't you a little bit immodest? I would settle for a single Goebbels. No one would know today I lost at Waterloo!"

Goebbels wanted to know what's the actual opinion of the Slovaks and went to Bratislava from Vienna, went into a pub and began a conversation with a plain man, who was drinking his glass wine.
"Do you like us Germans?" he asked.
"Of course! Very much!" admitted the man.
"That's correct. We are your liberators and you must like us. But we need deeds not words. Do you like, for example, the Polish? How many hours would you work for free for the Polish?"
"For the Polish? Hmm - an hour at least!"
"And for the Hungarians?"
"Six hours - at least!" said the man.
"Right, they are our allies! And what about the Czechs?" asked Goebbels again.
"Not a minute!"
Goebbels was shining with happiness. "I can see you're our man. What about for us - how long would you work for us!"
"Night and day, for free!"
"Excellent! - And what's your job actually?"
"Mine? I... I'm a grave digger!"

Hitler received a wire from the besieged city of Stalingrad. It read:
"NSDAP - KdF - SA - SS."
He thought it over but could not figure it out until he got it explained:
"Nim Schon Deinen Alten Pinsel - Kaufe die Farbe - Suche Arbeit - Schnell, Schnell!"
A country man was passing the Powder Tower, a truly wonderful example of Prague's Gothic architecture. He stopped one of the passing people of Prague and asked him:
"Excuse me, sir, but is this the famed Powder Tower?"
"Well, you should ask them," answered the man, pointing at the marching formations of the Wehrmacht, "They have been around for a thousand years."

Do you know why the Germans did not advance further east during the Polish campaign?
???
Because if they did, they would circle the globe and face the Siegfried Line, which is impenetrable, and so they would not be able to get back home.